10 Reasons You are NOT Cupid

Valentines day is upon is once again. It’s time to shower your loved one with rose petals and luxury chocolates and smugly declaring your perfect and unmatched love to the world. I’ll sit here as a singleton and feel sad and lonely…

Well not exactly, I’m actually pretty happy for now being single, but many of my friends don’t seem so convinced. Valentines day seems to be the time of the year when it is seen as a great time to raise the issue of how asperger's affects relationships and ask some very pointed questions that normally people probably wouldn’t dream of asking.

This seems a great opportunity to address some of these questions or comments and answer some of the stereotypes. The following are a list of statements I have genuinely received and a light-hearted look at each one. It is important to remember that I’ve made my answers based on my own personal feelings, we are all different so perhaps you’d answer in a very different way. I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this topic and I do hope you enjoy this post,

So let’s get started…

1: It must be so hard finding a girlfriend as an aspie…

Yeh, I guess it is, but probably not for the reasons you might think! I don’t know many people (aspie or not) who find it truly easy just getting a girlfriend, let alone a compatible one. The main hurdle is communication. When faced with stepping out there and making a good first impression with someone I find attractive I usually panic and say something random, but that’s definitely not exclusively an aspie problem! Beyond this we’re all different and the way we approach finding the love of our life and what we’re looking for in a partner varies just as much as it does for those not on the spectrum, although some of the factors are. Questions like how and when (or even if) to tell them about my condition do play a big part. For me it takes me a while to feel comfortable around new people so meeting someone new in say a bar or nightclub has never been great for me, but developing a relationship over time has been successful for me. So yes there are challenges, but I don’t think they’re it’s necessarily any easier for those not on the spectrum.

2: You should meet my friend, she has asperger’s too, you’d be perfect together…

I have a friend who is stupid, perhaps YOU could date them?!

Perhaps I will get on with this person, perhaps I won’t. The only thing volunteered here is that they have asperger's, like me. This tells me nothing about them as a person or their personality. I’ve actually been told this in a number of occasions, in various different forms – two people with autism would make a perfect match because they have autism in common.

This is no different from telling someone that if you’re British, then any other British person would make a perfect match for them. We wouldn’t say that! Well at least I hope not…

3: You must be lonely being single…

Yes sometimes I am, but you can also be lonely when with someone. Loneliness is a big factor for many on the spectrum, whether single or in a relationship. I can go for long periods of time with little to no interaction outside of work or care settings, it can get very isolating at times. When I’m most struggling it becomes increasingly hard for me to communicate and this can fuel the feeling of loneliness. If anything it’s actually worse when in a relationship because the barrier this temporarily creates whilst the meltdown or crisis passes can isolate you from those around you. It is never pleasant going through this feeling isolated from those around you but it passes and in many ways it is easier to handle these times when I can just go and be alone for a while. Having good friends and joining clubs also works wonders if loneliness creeps in, but I’m under no illusion that I only experience loneliness because I’m single.

4: If you were more outgoing, less outgoing, more bold, wore different clothes…(and so on)… you’d find someone

Yes I’d find someone, but not the right someone! How long could I keep up the pretence of having a different personality? Perhaps if I want to change any of these things about myself then I should do it for me, not for some one else? I’m a work in progress, just like everyone else and whoever I meet joins my journey right where I am now.

5: Aspies don’t have empathy so they can’t have relationships.

Aspies not having empathy is the biggest myth there is. It is simply not true, and recent research is beginning to show that it could be the opposite, that we have too much empathy! It is true that it is in many ways harder for aspies to have relationships but it’s not impossible not related to empathy. The social cues and unwritten rules in starting and maintaining a relationship are a minefield and often confusing for anyone, let alone someone with communication difficulties that come with autism. In past relationships I’ve often come up against barriers where I was ‘expected’ to act a certain way, say certain things, do certain things that I was just clueless about and vice versa. As an example if my girlfriend was upset I might naturally leave her alone. For me I need space when I’m upset so I was showing empathy by allowing her the space that I would want in this situation. She, on the other hand, might perceive this to be lack of empathy and show me to be distant and uninterested. Really this just shows that we both do things in a different way and need to communicate about issues that others might not necessarily need to talk about.

6: You’ll Want to Start a Family One Day

Perhaps, but I’m realistic that I’m getting older and it might not happen. I’d love to be a father, but I’m also quite content with not having children. It’s something that’s out of my control so I don’t see this as burning issue that absolutely must be resolved instantly.

7: Do you think you should have children? What if you pass on autism…

It is possible that autism is genetic so I guess I could pass it on, but why should that be a problem? I’d argue that I’d be in a great position to be able to pass on what I’ve learned through my life experiences to a child, whether they have autism themselves or not. Perhaps we’re more at risk of you passing on ‘stupid,’ – ignorance is the thing that needs to be wiped out, not autism!

8: You Need Someone so they can Help You Around The House

Yes I do, that’s why I have a support worker. Having a partner would clearly reduce weight of domestic tasks and financial responsibility, but this should never be the motivation behind a relationship. I don’t want a second mother (one is plenty enough), I want a relationship. Even in a relationship I’d probably still keep outside support in place. After all I want to spend my time enjoying my partner’s company rather than burden her with medication and sensory integration routines!

9: You can’t really be happy on your own can you?

Our society pushes a view that to be happy we MUST have someone to share your life with. This is not true. There are plenty of people I who never settle down, get married, have two kids and a pet dog, and they’re definitely not leading a substandard life.

In reality it could be that I never meet the right person and stay alone, but actually this isn’t so bad.

Being single allows me the freedom to live life with far more freedom than many of my married friends. If I need to make a lifestyle change I don’t have to consider my partner. (Recently I moved house to get better healthcare, this may not have been even an option if I had a wife and children to consider), if I have a bad day I can be as grumpy as I like and not have to worry about it affecting someone else, If a friend is in need I can drop everything to help out, if I want to go away for a weekend… no problem. Yes at times I do envy the family life that these friends have but it’s far better to appreciate the benefits of the life I’ve got now, rather that wishing I had what someone else has.

10: The right girl is out there for you, you just need to go and find her…

She is, but I don’t think I will find her, I believe we will find each other. If I get on with my life, and live it the best I can, be happy with who I am then the rest takes care of itself. Call it fate, destiny or just chance, I believe that if you meet people while living your own life and then who knows where things go.

So if you are spending Valentines Day alone this year like me, then join me in celebrating all the reasons why being single is actually pretty ace. Whether you are in a relationship or single I’d love to hear from you in the comments. Share your thoughts on why you enjoy being in a relationship or being single? What struggles have you had in relationships and do you have any tips for others?

10 Things the Church can do to Support Aspies

TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with the topics of religion and faith. Because of the nature of the subject and I will be writing from a Christian perspective. If this is a topic you feel isn’t for you then I’d advise not reading further. In this post I have tried to put aside my personal feelings regarding God and faith and look instead at what has helped me make sense of my faith and access the church. I am conscious not to offend or sway your beliefs with this post, I simply want to outline my experience of what has and hasn’t helped me to access the church and my faith in the hope it can be of use for others.

 ‘How can our Church support those affected by Autism?’ a friend asked me over a coffee recently. The directness of this question sent me into a tirade that I think surprised both of us. I could see on her face that she was regretting asking this question, but it got me thinking. I spent many years holding my Christian faith close and was an active member of my local church but that was in the past and I no longer consider myself to have faith and the church isn’t a feature of my life. For a topic I didn’t think affected me in any great way, the passion of my response to the question got me thinking. It dawned on me that irrespective of my faith (or current lack of) the influence the church has had for me has been and has the potential to be very positive. When this question resurfaced on a number of occasions since starting this blog and with Autism Sunday fast approaching I thought it was time to look at this topic in more detail.

The International Day of Prayer for Autism (also known as Autism Sunday) takes place across the globe on the second Sunday of February. I like the sentiment behind this event but want to look at whether there are things the Church community can do to support those on the spectrum throughout the whole year?

So lets get started….

1: Provide Information on What Can Be Expected From Your Church

Knowing what to expect is a really important factor for me when going somewhere new. If I visit a new place it helps to have as much information beforehand on what to expect. The unknown and unexpected is very daunting so knowing what’s going on before arriving can really help me to feel relaxed and at ease. How can you do this?

Perhaps you have photos of your church and information about services on your website? This will help me see what your building looks like and know what to expect. If things get too much, knowing in advance that there is a coffee area or where the exit is can really make things a lot easier.

Photos of your leaders and key personnel will also help me know who’s who when I arrive. Perhaps you can arrange to meet me before hand or put me in contact with a member of your welcome team. This way I will already know a friendly face when I arrive.

2: Don’t Make Assumptions

So I’ve just walked into Church. Why am I here?

Perhaps I’m a Christian looking to worship God. Perhaps I’m visiting the area and joining you for the service. Perhaps I’m a regular attendee and you see me every Sunday. Perhaps I’m struggling in some area and looking for help. Perhaps I have no interest in faith but want to meet some new people in the area.

It could be any reason. Whether I attend regularly or this is my first time there is no way of knowing exactly why I have chosen to walk through the doors and into your church. It’s best not to make assumptions as to what’s brought me here.

3: Be Welcoming!

This seems straightforward, but in reality there are some factors that can really make a big difference here.

Arriving at a busy church can be overwhelming at the best of times, but with the complications of autism it can be a barrier that stops you even getting through the door.

Lets picture a fairly typical scenario….

I arrive at the church. I’m not feeling great and I’m anxious and not at my best. There is a throng of people milling around the doors chatting. I feel overloaded so push past and enter the building.

I’m faced by the welcoming team. A line-up of bouncers in corporate church uniform insisting on communicating with me before I can enter the service. ‘Hello, Welcome!’, ‘Take a leaflet’, ‘Have you been before?’ ‘Here’s our gift aid form’ ‘WELCOME’ ‘Have another leaflet’ ‘God loves you now HUG ME’

Yikes, can’t deal with this, I don’t even know these people, quick, quiet seat over there.

The hall fills up. Everyone knows each other and are chatting. I feel isolated and intimidated. How do I even start a conversation?

The service continues and I feel more and more self conscious.

‘Say hello to those around you’ announces the minister. What do I say? Am I looking relaxed? What if they hug me again? Is my autism showing? Oh no, my autism is showing!!!!

The service draws to a close and I sheepishly navigate the small talk in the coffee area and leave feeling isolated and stressed.

Where was God in this scenario? Exactly! The social pressures that autism brings means that God can easily become overshadowed. Any time I have addressed this directly I have received the rather strange response that ‘It is your responsibility to talk to everyone else’ or ‘This is a large church, we can’t cater for everyone’ – rubbish!

Luckily this hasn’t always been the experience. I went to a church for a while that took the approach that ‘we are ALL the welcome team’. Just this slight change of attitude created a hugely positive affect for me. It allowed me to just be me. The overloaded, antisocial, clumsy me that I often am on a Sunday morning. I remember distinctly a particular day. I’d not been to church for a while and wasn’t really in the mood, but went anyway. I was met in the carpark by someone who greeted me like a long lost friend and introduced me to someone I didn’t know. They walked in with me and I sat down in a quiet corner. Another person I didn’t know politely introduced herself and offered to get me a drink. During the service I left the hall and sat in the coffee area as it was a bit intense for me. Without fuss someone asked if I’d like company. I did and we listened to the sermon. Afterwards over coffee I chatted and prayed with someone else. There was no neon ‘pray here’ sign, huddles or hugs. Just a genuine and warm welcome. I left still feeling overloaded and overwhelmed but felt respected and welcomed. This makes a huge impact and is this not something you want to be portraying?

4: Be Sensitive to My Sensory Needs

So I still felt overloaded and overwhelmed? Well yes. Due to autism I have various sensory difficulties. Unfortunately the set up of a standard church service hits all the buttons to set off sensory overload. Bright lights, loud music, lots and lots of information, lots of social interaction can all combine and create such a noise in my head that my brain just says ‘NO!’ In the wider world I have many things I can do to address this. I won’t go to the supermarket if I feel myself getting overloaded – I’ll shop online instead. I may work from home instead of going into the office or Just take nap and sleep it off. How I deal with the church is no different. If I cannot focus on a service due to sensory difficulties I will have to make adjustments. This could range from the extremes of abandoning the service, or attending a quieter service at a different church to simply sitting in a different place.

5: Provide Respite

Day to day life with autism can be exhausting both mentally and physically. The church can provide a welcome haven of rest in an otherwise relentless battle. Quieter reflective services, prayer rooms or simply having a space to sit, chill or have a coffee can really help by providing space to reflect and rest.

Practically speaking as well perhaps you have the time to prepare a meal for a family having a difficult time or baby sit for an evening. Things like this can be especially helpful for families looking after a child on the spectrum.

6: Recognise I can’t always attend the main Sunday service

Maintaining my connection with God and with you is important to me, but if I’m struggling to leave the house then it’s over to you….

‘You must push through and get to church’ is something I’ve been told many times. No! Get off your backside and come to me!

Sorry, I won’t go into a rant here (well perhaps I will….) but assuming you believe that God exists outside of the church building then perhaps you can come to me. A bad episode usually comes hand in hand with a cocktail of mental health problems, anxiety and depression being the most obvious. Please whatever you do don’t mistake anxiety and depression with being anxious and feeling depressed. They are different things. I can ‘feel’ depressed and push through within a few days but depression is a debilitating illness and simply trying to just get on with things can and has lead to serious consequences. If a bad episode hits, the act of attending a big service (or indeed leaving the house) is out of the question, so let me be steered by my doctors and trust that God will meet me where I am and not where you want me to be.

Perhaps you can help by bringing a bible to mine and study with me and pray with me. I can feel connected and supported then without having to sacrifice my health or trying to rush my recovery.

7: Offer Mentorship

At home and at work I benefit from mentorship. Having a point of contact who can guide me and assist me when I encounter difficulties. This is no different in the church, especially if I am serving on a team. The issues I have already described in detail highlight some of the barriers to fully exploring my faith in a church environment, but in a much smaller group with people I trust I have a means to engage at a much greater level. Perhaps you have half an hour a week you can spare to pray with someone on a regular basis? Could you commit to a monthly bible study with someone? It doesn’t take much effort but could be hugely beneficial.

8: Don’t Try To Heal Me

The issue of curing autism is hugely divisive and many people hold extreme views on whether a cure should or shouldn’t be sought. Making any statement about God’s healing relating to autism could cause huge offence and be very damaging. Even looking at the anxiety, depression and sensory elements that I doubt anyone would be against healing, the topic of God’s healing is still tricky. As an aspie I take things literally and if told that by smacking me in the head and screaming ‘Be Healed’ (or a more subtle equivalent) – then I will be expecting it to instantly happen. This hasn’t happened for me. Indeed trying to get God to ‘cure’ my autism has actually been more damaging than helpful. I’m more at ease concluding that God has created me with autism and I can use this to mine and his benefit. There are many positive attributes to autism and many positive qualities. The fact I relate to God and see the interpret the world slightly differently doesn’t make it wrong, it just adds a new perspective. Reading a bible verse I often pick up on details or have questions others simply don’t see, surely this is a good thing?

Now back to the healing. I truly believe that if God is involved in my healthcare then I should trust that the medication and professional support is steered by him. Please don’t expect me to replace my healthcare with faith, let them complement each other. Don’t stop praying, but be respectful and also put your trust in God. He is the one in charge after all so if he wants to provide healing he will do it regardless of whether it comes in the way you are expecting.

9: Change Your Expectations Of Me

The pressure to volunteer and be a part of activities in the church can become intense. There is always a need for volunteers and as part of a church family I am going to want to serve as well. The major barrier for me is the support I receive in doing this. At work a raft of adjustments are put in place and management are accountable for making sure I have the tools and support to do my job well. This is no different at church, only here I am a volunteer.

I was once asked to be part of a set-up team. It wasn’t successful. I need written clear instructions – no, A clearly defined role – no, flexibility if I can’t make the shift – no. In fact if I couldn’t make it I would have to phone around and arrange my own cover, something I couldn’t possibly do if I was having a meltdown. I left, unable to do this task feeling like a failure.

Actually many times I’ve attempted to serve in any meaningful way and encountered the same barriers. The excuse? ‘We’re only human, we all make mistakes.’ Great, but would we use this excuse outside of church. I crashed the plane, but it’s OK because I’m only human. I didn’t cook the chicken properly and gave someone salmonella, but it’s OK because I’m only human. I blocked a member of staff from working because I wouldn’t make an adaptation to his disability, but it’s OK because I’m only human…

In a workplace this would result in lawsuits galore, in the church it simply means wasted talent. I stopped even attempting to serve as a result and I imagine many others are in the same boat. Change your expectations a little and you might find some great talent volunteering for you. Do you really want to stop someone being an asset to your church for the sake of a small adjustment?

10: Signpost Support

There are often times you may not be able to provide support. Perhaps it falls outside what can be practically offered by the church, or perhaps there is another group or organisation that would be of use. One thing that is really helpful is to be directed to someone that can be of help.

One useful website I have discovered for more information on this subject is a document from the Diocese of Oxford titled Welcoming those with Autism and Asperger Syndrome in our Churches and Communities (http://www.oxford.anglican.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/autism_guidelines.pdf). It is definitely well worth a read and gives some very well thought out insight.

Friendships

‘How do I make friends?’ is possibly the question I get asked most and certainly one that for much of my life I was asking myself.

It is well known that communication difficulties and trouble understanding social situations are common traits for those on the spectrum so it probably isn’t a surprise that finding and maintaining friendships is a difficulty a lot of us share.

For many years, especially as a teenager, I was desperately lonely and truly craved the friendships those around me seemed to just find naturally. In recent years things have been different. Yes, at times I can still feel isolated but I now have a very diverse and fulfilling group of friends, but getting there took a lot of will power and determination. So what is the magic formula?

Unfortunately there isn’t one. There are plenty of great ways to meet new people and build friendships that could be discussed, indeed it really does take a lot of effort, but this is something I want to cover in a future post. What I wanted to do instead was to introduce you to some of my closest friends and share with you a little about how we met and how our friendships developed. I hope this can give an example of how opportunities for finding great friendships can pretty much present themselves anywhere, even when you’re least expecting it.

1: Marq

I met Marq while on a walk with a club I’d joined. I wanted to get out and have more exercise so joining a group seemed a good idea. Marq was fairly new to the area and we chatted as we walked. We broke the ice over a childish giggle over the name of our walk’s destination… we were heading to a holiday resort in the forest called ‘Sandy Balls’! Before you get any ideas, the name refers to the sandy hills in the area. After the walk we swapped details and arranged to meet up the following week. Our friendship developed from there with evenings watching movies or trying out the latest PS3 game. Most weekends I’d go around Marq’s house for what would be dubbed ‘Steevy Sunday’. We have a very similar sense of humour and have built some very happy memories trying out fun activities or new eateries in the local area. Last year I was very proud to be Marq’s best man as he married Jade. It was so special to be part of their big day and I’m so happy to consider Jade a good friend as well. Steevy Sunday’s are still part of the diary, although now I live further away they are less regular, but that just makes them more fun to look forward to.

2: Phil

Phil is one of my few friends from my teenage years. Soon after receiving my diagnosis at 16 I joined a support group to meet others and build my social skills. It was at this group I met Phil. That period of my life was very difficult and the group provided an outlet and safe haven. Phil was the first friend I made who I felt free to open up to about the struggles I was going through. The experience of the group was very intense but created a lasting bond for us that has stayed the fifteen years since. Even today he is one of the few people I can be totally honest with when things get a bit tricky. We now live quite a long way apart but see each other when we can. He is now married to Pauline and they have four wonderful children together, three of them I’m very proud to be Godfather to. Isabella, Sebastian, Dominic and Harrison all make me very proud and it is so great to hear about their achievements.

3: Kathryn

I met Kathryn at a mutual friend’s house warming party. Actually, to be more precise I’d met her at the end of the party as we were both leaving! She had just moved to town and we swapped numbers and arranged to meet up. We bonded quickly over fun days out exploring the local area together, partying the nights away in town and putting the world to rights over a few glasses of wine or discussing our pet turtles. Kathryn lives with her partner Sophia and daughter Rosie about an hour from where I now live. I always look forward to their house parties, always the best and rarely uneventful – The attempt at combining two monopoly boards resulted in confused chaos and my shorts splitting clean in two during a drinking game gave everyone something to talk about, but fun is always had!

4: Luke

I met Luke a few years ago at an aspergers support group in a near by town. The group no longer meets but I have remained good friends with Luke ever since. Luke is the life and soul of any gathering and bursts with confidence. Every where we go Luke seems to know dozens of people so any outing together results in a large group forming seemingly from no where. I first got to know Luke properly when we shared a tent together at a summer festival, by the end of the weekend Luke had met and introduced me to pretty much everyone camping nearby, many whom I’m still in contact with! Luke is a great public speaker and advocate for those with aspergers, his enthusiasm for sharing his experiences to help others inspired me to follow his footsteps.

5: Ed & Davita

I met Ed and Davita at Church and got to know them both while taking part in various activities and groups in the church. I can’t point out exactly when and where I came to consider them good friends, it just naturally evolved. There have been many times they have come to my rescue at difficult times in very practical ways, fantastic home cooked food or a comfy place to sleep if I need to get away from home for a few days. I’ve had many fun days out with Ed and Davita and their children Annabelle and Timothy. Last year we had a fun trip to Wilton House. The poor children didn’t get a chance to enjoy the play park, us adults were too busy commissioning the zip-line! We share a love of board games and together we’ve battled aliens to save the space ship, built cities, traded sheep and saved the world from epidemics. The friendship I have with Ed and Davita is very special in that I have had many evenings at theirs where we have simply sat and read or carried on with our own things but simply appreciated the company, as someone who finds socialising tiring, this really is a special attribute. As fellow adventurers, their book case has the best collection of travel books and maps to keep me occupied for hours!

There are many others I would love to be able to mention here but I’m sure there will be chance to make special mention and thanks to some of my other friends in later posts. I hope you have enjoyed reading this post and it has given an insight into the random and diverse ways I’ve ended up finding some truly great friends in some unexpected places. In an upcoming post I will be sharing with you some of the techniques and tips I've found helpful to use when building and establishing great friendships. 

Happy New Year

The New Year is fast approaching and as we say goodbye to 2014 many of us will be thinking of things we want to change or achieve for the year to come. If you are stuck for ideas on resolutions you can make that are fun and (at least likely) to be achievable, here is a list to inspire you.

Daily Photo Project

The idea of this resolution is simple, take one photo every day of the year. The photo can be of anything, something representing the day’s events, something mundane, something that interests you, it doesn’t matter but it must be taken that day. With phones cameras and digital cameras so readily available it is easy to do and a challenge I took on myself. I ended up carrying on for four years, but why? What was the point?

By making myself look for something to photograph each and every day I started to see the good in even the more lousy days. It gave me an appreciation and perspective on my life I would have not otherwise seen. Looking back over the albums it’s what had seemed as less memorable days that provided the most meaningful photos that wouldn’t have otherwise been taken – my family meeting for lunch, the first meal in my new home or the day my Dad rescued me when my car broke down. What memories will you capture?

Grow Your Own Vegetables

Spring will soon be coming so what better time to start planning a new gardening project for the year ahead. Growing your own vegetables is a great project for all the family. Whether you have a garden to dig over or just a window sill to grow herbs and chillies, there is something you could try.

Try New Foods

A lot of us have told ourselves which foods we should cut out of our diet, but how about the reverse? Instead of a list of banned items, how about challenging ourselves to try new foods this year? Perhaps try replacing one item on your shopping list for something new or get experimental with different cuisines and recipes.

This year I joined some friends in doing weekly shop in a Chinese supermarket. Certainly some of the items I tried won’t be on the menu again (dried squid and jellyfish…) but it certainly gave me more confidence to try new recipes and I can now cook up a mean stir-fry!

A Daily Good Deed

Wanting to do some good in the world is a common resolution to have and definitely a rewarding one, but for this resolution it’s not the one off big charitable event I’m talking about, it’s a bit closer to home. Is there something you can do today for the benefit of someone else? Perhaps you can spare some time to help someone, volunteer or even something as simple as giving someone a smile or reminding a loved one why they’re special to you. Is there something you can do today?

Spend More Time with Friends and Family

It’s so easy to loose touch with friends and family, like takes over and before we know it another year has passed. Why not take the opportunity now to put time aside in your brand new diary to spend time with those you care about. Even if you can’t arrange to meet up in person, perhaps you could proactively set time aside to phone or send an email.

Fulfil a Life Dream

Is there something you’ve always dreamed of doing? Perhaps there’s somewhere you’ve always wanted to visit? Could this be the year you fulfil this dream? Even if it’s farfetched, why not make a start at making it happen? You never know where it will lead.

Last year I fulfilled a dream of driving Route 66 across the USA. Admittedly I had to compromise a bit and trade the Cadillac for a budget hatchback and posh hotels for cheap motels, but it was an experience of a lifetime and something I’m so pleased I did while I had the opportunity.

I hope this list has inspired you to try something new in the next year, and whatever the New Year brings, I hope it is full of fun and happiness.

Coping With Christmas

Coping With Christmas

 

The holiday season is upon us and it’s time again to take part in fun filled festivities, eat turkey, fill our houses with lights and decorations and eagerly listen for the sound of sleigh bells announcing the arrival of Santa with exciting presents. Family and friends gather and share joy and happiness to one and all and we make our way to the atmospheric carol service where we celebrate in the Christian heritage of this wonderful time of year. The lights and commotion all get too much, the noise is deafening, the chores and pressure to all encompassing and all routine is destroyed…

The excitement and expectations of a perfect Christmas can be a challenge for those affected by autism. For me there are parts of the holiday season I really love, but others that are a minefield. So what can we do to make Christmas ho ho ho, rather than ho ho NO!?

In this post I’d like to share with you a few strategies I have found helpful. I hope that if you or your child struggles over Christmas then you might find some of these helpful and enjoy reading this post. You may have tips that you have found helpful to you that I’ve not thought of so please feel welcome to add these to the comments section.

Make a plan

Regardless of how or if we celebrate Christmas ourselves, it is likely that it will have an impact on our usual routines. Work schedules are likely to change (in my case my office closes for a whole two weeks), schools break, shops have different opening hours, clubs and support networks often break. As someone who lives by my routines this is challenging so I try and plan ahead as much as possible.

What is key for me is plotting out what is happening and when in a format that’s very easy to see. I use a page per day diary but in the past have used a wall chart. Whatever works best for you is fine as we all have our own ways of making sense of information.

Being able to clearly see where my commitments are in advance helps me to adjust to changes in routine over the holidays.

Set a budget

Christmas is an expensive time. Everything from stocking up the fridge with goodies, buying presents for loved ones, travelling to see family, parties and social commitments can send the budget sky-high.

It is a good idea to set a clear budget before wild spending on credit. How much do you want to spend on each person’s presents etc, can you afford to attend both of the Christmas parties you’ve been invited to? Planning ahead can save the stressful and expensive bill from arriving come the New Year.

Make your OWN traditions

It is often easy to get weighed down with following what you think you ‘should’ be doing over Christmas. Just because you ‘always’ go to that Christmas market doesn’t mean you ‘have to’ do it. Christmas can work around you and your needs and it is fun making your own traditions tailored to you. Get creative and think of little things you can do that might make the season all the more fun and personal for you and your family.

Growing up we had some great little traditions in our household. My favourite was on Christmas Eve. I had a Christmas Pillowcase that needed to be left on my bed for the elves to collect. I’d take great care decorating it and leave it out ready. Without fail it would vanish and in the morning it would have reappeared in the lounge filled with presents. I knew from an early age that it was most likely my parents removing the pillow case, but they insisted they wouldn’t confess to anything until I was 18. Each year my attempts to catch them in the act got more and more elaborate, but they always managed to remove the case without me catching them. This game of cat and mouse actually served a really good role at distracting me and keeping me occupied while mum set about the laborious task of preparing the meal for the following day and getting the house ready for visitors.

What traditions do you have?

Make decorating an event

As someone who doesn’t like change, returning home to find a random tree in the lounge would be a bit much for me! In our house decorating was a family event. We would all be involved in placing the decorations and I often spent time making decorations for the tree. This involvement helped me adjust to the changes and helped build excitement rather than fear of the commotion of the season.

My favourite activity was always building the gingerbread house and nativity scene we would place in the shrank. It had a full set of sugar figurines. Every year I pleaded with mum to let me eat one. I was never allowed, but they had been in use since the 70s so may not have been that tasty!

Get some exercise

With the cold days and long dark nights it can be very easy to spend the whole holiday wrapped up warm inside. I always find it helpful to get exercise and importantly, fresh air. Perhaps you can head out on a walk around the neighbourhood to see the Christmas lights, go hunting for pine cones to get crafty and turn into decorations or avoid the traffic by walking to the shops.

Set aside a quiet sanctuary

With all the noise and excitement I find it very helpful to set aside a quiet place to escape to if it all gets too much. Being able to take a time out from the celebrations to relax and recharge can help so much and is something I’d recommend to anyone.

Know your socialising limits

Christmas is one of the times of the year when the much sought after social invites come in thick and fast. Work Christmas Parties, Family Gatherings, Clubs Christmas Socials…

It is easy to say yes to everything and for me I can get overwhelmed faster than I realise. I try and set limits to how much I engage in these parties. So often I can get carried along with the flow and find I’ve over done it and I’m at capacity. There is a fine line between having a great evening and becoming exhausted and having a bad time. Know your limits and hopefully you’ll have a great time.

Take time to get back into routines after Christmas

 

Whatever your feelings about Christmas, It’s all over fast and everything returns to normal. If there have been major disruptions to your routine it’s good to return to your usual routine as smoothly as possible. Try and plan ahead if you can. For example if you need to get up for work or school early then give yourself a few fays to readjust rather than suddenly switching your wake up call from 11am to 7am.

I hope you've found this of interest. I'd love to hear what you enjoy most about Christmas and how you overcome the challenges you may find with this time of year. Feel free to let me know via the comments or Facebook. Merry Christmas to you all!

Thoughts This Thanksgiving

Like most of my fellow Brits, Thanksgiving comes and goes each November with barely anyone even being aware of the feasts and celebrations happening over the great Atlantic Ocean. It is just another wet and drizzly November day, like all the others. This year I decided to take part myself, but first I better find out what it’s all about…

My knowledge of Thanksgiving is it involves giving thanks and food, lots of food. Turkey, marshmallows, sweet potatoes, marshmallows, pumpkin pie and more marshmallows. According to a quick check on Google, this appears to be accurate. Food is definitely something that I can definitely get involved in but it was the ‘giving thanks’ part that particularly interested me. This got me thinking about what I’m thankful for, so this week I’ll be dedicating my post to my wonderful parents.

My parents are always there for me and I don’t take the time to thank them for all they do for me anywhere near enough. They have always been my biggest supporters, advocates, inspiration and friends. They are the first on the scene when things go wrong and get the brunt of the worst days. I know what a strain and challenge this must be for them and although at the time it might not seem so, I hope they know how much I really appreciate them for all they do.

The last few months have been particularly difficult. A severe dip in my health and a number of troubling bureaucratic hurdles blocking access to support have resulted in me needing to move home to be able to access better support. Mum and Dad have stepped in and helped the best they can to make the move run smoothly. As I type away Dad is down at the hospital trying to get a follow-up appointment arranged following a rather nasty episode last week. When even getting a hospital appointment is as unnecessarily stressful and complicated as it is, their help has been a lifesaver.

Aside from the support when things aren’t going so well I wanted to mention something that my parents have always done that as a child I never fully appreciated but for which I’m particularly thankful for – encouraging my hobbies and interests. They didn’t just show an interest in what I was into at the time, but they’d get involved themselves. This helped me achieve so much, build my confidence a create so many happy memories.

I’ve talked in previous posts about my interest in fungi. I will always have fond memories of walks in the forest with my dad searching for a rare find together, or crawling through the undergrowth to get the best photo. When I developed an interest in travel there was always an opportunity to travel somewhere new together. I can always say I conquered all of the compass points of the UK with my dad. Travelling all the way to Muckle Flugga, the UK’s northernmost outpost was great fun for me, but to share it with my dad made is so much more special. Mum has an amazing creative side to her and this was always an opportunity for some family bonding too. Growing up there was always something to do, from baking, building dens with sofa cushions to lego towers reaching the ceiling. There was always something creative to get involved in.

So this Thanksgiving I think it is a perfect time to say thank you for being the most caring, generous and wonderful parents anyone could ask for.

I hope you enjoyed reading this post and I’d love to hear from you about what you are doing for thanksgiving and share your stories.

The day my parents wanted to try on a new pair of shoes...

well I guess it was easier to join in rather than get me to sit normally...

During my 'world domination' phase...

This didn't last long, and I'm not sure Simon Cowell would have been impressed...

I guess building a sandcastle on a pebble beach in February was never going to be a winner... although the red boot / balaclava combo definitely is - bravo on the style choice mum & dad!

Loving life with my spacehopper - the best form of transport ever invented!

So as not to feel left out, here is the whole family with my amazing sisters. (I'm the bald dribbly one in the middle)

My Aspie Moments - A Photo journal of some of my more 'autistic' moments

I take a lot of photos, I enjoy capturing the memories and moments of life and it is great to look back and remember some of the fun adventures had. Back in 2009 I started a New Year's project to take a photo each day, something interesting or significant about the day to remember it by. It struck me that it was the uneventful and routine days that brought back the fondest memories, times with friends and family but also capturing some of my 'autistic' traits. I would like to share some of these with you in this week's blog. Perhaps you can relate to some of these, perhaps this is a new insight for you but either way I do hope you enjoy this week's delve into some of my aspie moments...

You often feel left outside of social groups...

When you're overloaded your words come out in a random order...

But you'll find good friends who accept your quirks...

And when you're with them you know how to have a good time...

There is always an escape route planned in case things get too much when going out socialising...

You get used to spending time with yourself...

Sometimes you just need time alone to take in the world...

And that's fine because being alone is great!...

Sometimes life can feel precarious...

You can't always read the warning signs when things are going wrong in your life...

The world can seem scary and full of danger...

So you plan ahead and keep a routine...

You like things neat and in order...

When you want to unwind you always have the best reading materials at hand...

And know how to play the best games...

And at the end of the day you know that being autistic is awesome...