Over the last week I've been approached to write posts on a number of subjects, Communication Skills, Cures, Confidence, all of which I am very excited to share my thoughts on but not this week. I've had a terrible week. Actually I've had a terrible month! I've really wanted to try and highlight as many positive aspects of autism in my posts as I can, but this week I'm going a different direction. I got thinking about why I started this blog. I wanted to share MY experiences. Good, bad, whatever, just my experiences, this week they've been really appallingly bad, so this is what you get to read about today.
Depression and anxiety aren't exclusive to autism, and some on the spectrum don't suffer from this at all, but it is very often something people with autism face, I'm one of them. Depression is a tiring and frustrating beast to face. We rarely openly talk about it and it still today comes with stigma and fear attached. It occurred to me that I would feel at ease posting a blog about having a cold or flu, a broken bone or a migraine. Mental health concerns however somehow feel more personal and harder to talk about. Why should this be the case? I wanted to face the fear and talk to you about it right here in my blog this week.
I didn't know how to talk about or explain how I experience depression and anxiety so I simply wrote how I felt during one particularly bad night this week. It's not neat and tidy, grammatically concise or detailed. It doesn't need to be, it is simply how I felt. I want to give the full picture in my blog, both good and bad, so here we go.
Autism can be relentless.....
meltdowns rolls into meltdowns,
my senses burning, my brain imploding ,
I'm so tired,
but I carry on,
questions, decisions, guilt,
why is it so hard to say I need help?
and this hurts....
You ask who's at fault?
who's to blame?
we talk about it, talking for hours,
but this hurts.....
the adrenalin flows and my insides burn,
guts twisted in knots,
You say it's my fault,
that I'm weak,
to man up,
....but this hurts..........
I can take some meds,
numb the senses,
shut out the world,
it still hurts......
I see your pain,
I see your frustration,
I see the hurt I cause you,
and it hurts....
why am I so wrong,
to sometimes want this to all stop
.....because it hurts?
tomorrow will be a better day?
Tomorrow was a better day this time, but each day one person dies every 40 seconds because it wasn't a better day. Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 50 in the
UK, let's all play a part in reducing this statistic and talk about mental health. There is still a stigma about mental health issues that MUST be removed. Depression is a silent killer and is no more a choice than any physical illness so let's treat it the same and be open about it's affects and find a way forward together.
If you need to talk today or have concerns about someone you know then here are some phone numbers for you:
For a larger list of countries visit http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html